I think there is and I asked others what they thought. The most obvious answer, as pointed out by one of my favorite tweeps, is that people will take advantage of you. And he’s right. Many will. And there’s more.

The circumstances which prompted my original tweet… We ‘re in the grocery store. It’s  like 8:15 on a school day and we’re picking up some bagels and fruit for my daughter to bring to a meeting she has at school. We are borderline late because she forgot I am boycotting the store across the street from the school (that’s a different story) and she hadn’t factored in time to go out of our way so she’s getting stressed.

We get our stuff and are heading into the checkout line with three items, cash in hand. Just getting in line in front of us is an old couple (my daughter is a sucker for seniors), stooped and grey haired, with half a cartful of groceries. They notice us and politely offer to let us go ahead of them. So what does a normal, reasonable person do? They say thank you so much, that’s very kind, blah, blah and they go ahead.

Not my daughter. She says, ” Oh no, that’s okay. You go ahead.” I looked at her incredulously. WHAT? You’re worried that you’re going to be late, you have three items and cash and you’re not taking them up on that offer? What are you thinking?? I said “You’re too nice. Like unnecessarily nice” and she said, “There’s no such thing.”

How do I get through to this thoughtful person who never wants to inconvenience anyone (except me of course!)? I asked, “You know that good feeling you get when you let other people go in front of you? Well, you just deprived those sweet old people of that same good feeling by not letting them be kind to you. You don’t have a lock on being nice. Other people are allowed to do it too! I got the eye roll.

The other time that came to mind was in my car. I, along with two of  her friends in the back seat who have their driver’s licenses, gave her hell for her comments at a four way stop. There were cars in all directions and she said something like, let them go. We all said, “NO”! really loudly. You can’t do that we explained. There is an order about this. When it’s your turn, you take it. You don’t just sit there like you don’t know it’s your turn and wait ’til everybody else goes. I told her, “It’s a system. It works. Don’t mess with it.” And don’t ever let me catch you stopping in the road, mid block, for a pedestrian who wants to cross the street. Or swerving so you don’t hit a squirrel for God’s sake!  There’s nice and there’s stupid.

And that’s where I was coming from that day.

More examples?

Trust is earned. You mean you have a relationship with a friend or lover and you don’t trust this person? How long does it take for he or she to earn your trust? What if it’s years? What is the quality of your relationship with them in the meantime? This is a bit hard for me to imagine.

I suppose one’s early childhood experiences probably set the tone for an individual’s ability to trust others. But I wonder about it ’cause I approach people differently. I assume a person is trustworthy unless or until they prove otherwise. Yeah, I’ve been burned. Not often. I got over it. It has not dampened my belief that people are good and worthy of my trust. And I hope if someone does break my trust, they will have some remorse, recognize what it cost them and perhaps behave differently in the future. I’m a forgiving sort.

I think the “presumed innocent”  approach works really well in parenting children. Believe they are capable. Believe they are strong. Believe they are trustworthy. This will allow them to strive to be all these things.

If instead you assume they can’t be trusted,  how will they ever learn?

What do you think the odds are that mom will fork over the allowance? My guess is pretty good. She will justify this any number of ways. She may take some of the blame by telling herself she wasn’t clear about the about her definition of “clean”.  She may point out the things that still need work, to help him do a better job next time. And she will probably applaud his ATTEMPT to clean his room, giving him lots of credit for trying. Then she will give little Johnny his allowance.

 For trying. And for doing a half-assed job. And because she is afraid to say no and uphold higher standards or hold him accountable.

Why would he work harder or try to do a better job next time? He just got the message that what he did was good enough. He got his allowance anyway. He likely had to be threatened or bribed into cleaning his room in the first place, did a lousy job, probably complained the entire time, then had the audacity to ask for payment, not when the job was finished but when he was tired of doing it.

So parents. When you’re burning mad about your tax dollars funding bonuses for people who not only can’t keep their own room clean, they’re making a mess of yours too, ask yourself honestly. What are you teaching your own kids about being responsible, setting high standards, and earning their pay by doing a good job?

WHY IS EVERYONE SO COMPLETELY OVER THE TOP ABOUT THE ACTIONS OF THIS PILOT? Is it really a shock that this guy was able to think quickly, assess the situation accurately, make a good decision about what action to take, and that he possessed the skill and expertise to safely land the airplane in the Hudson River? Isn’t that the kind of pilot we should expect to be at the controls when we fly?

I am not minimizing this feat by any means. OBVIOUSLY it was an almost unbelievable outcome to what could have been a disaster. An amazing story. And when I heard the pilot say several days later, “I was just doing my job”, my reaction was, I kinda knew he would say that. I was relieved, but I kinda knew in my gut that anyone with that kind of grace and precision under pressure would not likely say anything else.

Yet, everyone went nuts over this guy! Like he was the only person they have ever seen do the right thing in a tough situation. I was kinda flabbergasted. A key to the city and all. Do we really expect so little of people? Have we lowered our standards so far? When someone simply does his or her job, albeit superbly, that we hail them as a hero, offering book deals and all kinds of lucrative rewards??

Is it not enough to feel good in your heart and soul knowing your calm professionalism averted a tragedy and spared many lives? I am pretty sure it’s good enough for that pilot. I know it would be good enough for me.

Take a look at what you’re teaching your children. For example, do they have any chores around the house? Are they paid or compensated in some way for every little thing they do to help out? Be careful about this. Are you setting them up to believe they deserve something in return for doing these jobs? Or are they being taught that it is their responsibility to help take care of the place where they live and the family they love? Are they learning that self-satisfaction in a job well done and knowing they were helpful is enough reward.

It is sad that many of us regard the exemplary behavior of that pilot as remarkably uncommon.

What if we simply began to expect more from people?

Even this week as I sit down at my desk with a renewed commitment to this blog and to my business; a hot pink list of priorities in front of me reminding me that I AM the top five, I see that my daily agenda contradicts my aim. Three of the top four “to dos” are in the interest of others. I can’t stand it! Even armed with new resolve, it is hard to avoid getting sucked back in. As I have tried to explain to my daughter who has undoubtedly inherited my tendencies to drop everything for folks in need, this is an admirable trait until it it begins to jeapordize your own health and/or well-being. At that point, which I hope you can learn to recognize, you would be well advised to take a step back. I am trying to do that now.

Ultimately, I do think the hot pink sheet with my name all over it will be an effective reminder to focus on MY goals. I am a visual person so this method should serve to pull me back. At least for a month or so after which it will begin to melt into the landscape of my mess, ceasing to be visible at all and requiring me to devise a new reminder of a different color, shape, etc. and to regroup once again from my continual attentiveness to the problems and needs of the people around me at the expense of my own.

I will resist the urge (for now anyway) to talk about the huge and perpetual dilemma for me and probably many women; that we can’t devote the time and energy we would ideally like to one thing without compromising another. The amount of time we devote to our families can make our careers suffer. Likewise the time required for a business will cheat our families. Maybe I simply haven’t found right the balance. Maybe that’s impossible. Another blog, another day. When I have lots of time. And can invite lots of comments.

What I can talk about today is my intention to focus more on me, the things I want to accomplish, and my little strategies for staying on track. So, though I don’t usually make a traditional New Year’s resolution, I am declaring my intention to you in the hope that this too will help keep me focused on what I want. Sounds selfish already but too bad. This blog is important to me and I would like to make the time to post an entry………….. minimum, three times a week. Think I can do it?

I’m curious, where have you been? And what do you intend to do about it?

I knew you did ’cause it’s amusing, fascinating, frustrating, and it may even be you! So here’s a story with some real irony. I met a friend for a cocktail one evening. I’ve been working with this guy on and off for years and he’s always got an interesting perspective on his ADHD. That evening, he told me what a full and varied day he had. ADHD’ers out there will recognize that this agenda is full of potential roadblocks and complications.

Beginning with snaking out the clogged drain in his kitchen sink before he even left the house, he then went to a board mtg, from there had a presentation to give somewhere like four towns away, detoured on his way back to pick up an industry expert before the next consultation, dropped the guy back off afterward, picked up stuff at the printers, headed to his next appointment, and circled back to his office before meeting with his accountant at the end of the day.

“Wow!” I said. ”Of all the things you did today, what was your favorite part?”

“Nothing”, he said. “I hated all of it.”

“That doesn’t answer my question though,” I countered. “Of all the things you did today, what was the best part?”

He appeared to give it some thought, then smiled and said, “Snaking out the drain!” And we laughed. How in the world could running a snake through a pipe of icky, smelly, decomposing food waste possibly be the best part of the guy’s day?

 Because the rest of the day went exactly as planned. He was on time to every appointment. He didn’t get distracted or forget anything. He wasn’t stressed or rushing around. He even maximized his earnings for the day! It couldn’t have gone more smoothly. It was just the kind of day he typically wished he could have.

And he hated it. It was boring and predictable.

Snaking the pipes was the best part because it was unexpected, messy, and demanded his immediate attention. Jeff is naturally in his element and on the ball when the frenetic energy flows! Many ADHD’ers find this to be true and it explains why they make excellent EMT’s or ER docs. They thrive under pressure. Since the remainder of the day held nothing as urgent or exciting, it just went downhill from there. Until the drink with me of course! 

Is there something you think you want that you might in fact be better without?

So this random woman was talking to another about her son who is three years old. Given the gist of the conversation they were having, it was clear to me that the little boy they were discussing is very bright. The mom was saying that the pre-school/daycare he used to attend had closed so he had just started attending a new one. His grandmother apparently had asked him how it was going at the new place. The three year old replied in a dejected voice that it wasn’t going too well. When his grandmother asked why he told her, very matter-of-factly, “I don’t listen to the teachers”.

Well, the grandma chuckled a bit to herself but told the kid she thought he could probably do a little better with his listening. His parents’ reaction to the fact that he wasn’t listening to the teachers was to scold him mildly and tell him pretty clearly that he must pay attention to his teachers and do what they say ’cause they are in charge.  The admonitions from his grandma and his parents do have their place but I felt there was something missing here. Didn’t anyone wonder WHY he wasn’t listening?

I did. I was really curious. I fervently wished someone had asked him. I’m thinking he would have said they (the teachers) don’t know what they’re talking about! I really wanted to know. I think it may have helped him to know. Hell, it would have helped him to at least think about the question. I am sure it would have been valuable information for his parents in helping the kid adjust to the new daycare.

 I remember seeing on television a clip for some creepy reality show that depicted this boy around five or six getting all upset, throwing things, screaming, crying. His parents got really mad at him for behaving that way. They yelled and punished him, sending him to his room. They didn’t even ask him what was making him so upset! Weren’t they even the slightest bit curious about what he was feeling?

Admittedly it’s hard to get curious or be comforting when a kid is behaving like that. But isn’t it one of our jobs as parents to help kids sort out their feelings? By asking curious questions about their thoughts and behaviors we can help them begin to understand their own feelings. And once they begin to recognize when they’re feeling angry or fearful or sad we can begin talking with them about how maybe there’s a better way than tantrums to handle those feelings. They need us to teach them. 

What if the parents of that three year old boy asked a simple curious question like, “Why do you think you don’t listen to your teachers?”

What if the answer was, “I don’t like them as much as Beth and Amy at my old school.”

Now they have really good information they can use to continue a conversation about what’s different (good and bad), what he misses from the old place, etc. Here’s a chance to teach their child acceptance, open-mindedness, positive thinking and how to adapt to new situations. Which will lead to a speedier and healthier transition for him. And it won’t hurt to have those skills when he changes jobs at 35 either! 

Now if he answered, “I just wanted to see what they would do if I didn’t listen” maybe he is the one being curious. If not, you could be in for one helluva ride with this kid!

So instead of making judgments, ask a question of someone. What are you curious about?

I was  volunteering backstage at a middle school musical production when I overheard another parent talking about how she “supports” her daughter. Apparently the girl, who is twelve, was in a local production over the summer.  I guess the show had run for a couple of weeks ’cause she said there were twelve performances during this time.  And she was proud to say she went to EVERY one.  Of twelve performances.  Of the SAME show.  Night after night.

She further explained that she ran into some guy she knew at the theatre who thought this was nuts.  He couldn’t believe she would attend every single performance.  She was really offended by that and began defending her position saying it mattered to her daughter, her daughter needed her there, she wanted to support her and on and on. 

 Then she asked the guy if he went to all his son’s baseball games.  He replied that he did.  “Hmph”, she said. She rested her case on that? I wanted to say, ‘yes, but lady, they play a different team each time.  Over the course of a few months.  At different fields.  Each game is different.  How can you possibly compare going to every ball game to watching every performance of a show?’ She was determined to justify her support of her daughter.

“Support” means something different to all of us.  It seems to me this woman could have supported her daughter in another way by letting her get through a performance without her mommy.  She admitted the cast and crew were a great bunch of people.  Surely there must have been one or two she would trust who would be willing to watch out for her daughter, take her under their wing during the run of the show? After all she’s in middle school not preschool.

Admittedly, there may have been circumstances here that made this parent uncomfortable about leaving her daughter. I am reacting to what I heard and am not privy to all the facts. Maybe she didn’t see her child being secure or mature enough to handle this. (hint: start early building trust and independence with your child.) That being said, it is wise to examine your motives, try to be objective and see all possibilities before blindly standing by your kid.

Consider another way a parent might show support for their child.

What if this mom attended even a few less shows? After all, she does have another (younger) child at home. What if she had told her daughter, “You’re doing a wonderful job, you’re in a safe environment, you don’t need me at every show.”  Imagine the gift she could have given her daughter had she supported her independence? How grown up, capable and trusted would that kid feel?! Believe they are capable and they will too. 

What is your “support” doing for your kids?

 I was looking over a friend’s shoulder the other day as she was on her laptop trying to find an email from a mutual friend that she wanted me to see. Being ADHD, she started opeing other messages as she was looking. Kiki, my friend, works in sales for a very large national company and while I was watching, she opened a work related message encouraging a final push for “numbers” before the fiscal year end. It was supposed to be one of those motivational messages from management that drives you to finish strong for yourself and of course the company. 

This particular company offers great incentives and gives nice bonuses and the message had the potential to be quite effective. Except for one thing. The email began, Dear Karina Homes. Karina? Nobody calls Kiki Karina. She hates it. Most people in her office don’t even know Karina is her real name.

What a turn off. Right away you know it’s a form letter mail merged and sent to countless sales agents throughout the country. How cold and impersonal. The message was sent from one of the top three managers in the company who, as it happens, is local. She knows the guy. Their sons have played hockey together. He knows her as Kiki.

Now why would you bother to send a message designed to motivate your employees and not even bother to address it with the name they actually answer to? Her friend TJ got one addressed to Terrence.  The immediate reaction of both of them upon reading the salutation was that it was more meaningless corporate junk. They didn’t even read it. Some motivation.

A James going by Jim or an Alexandra using Lexy knows how it feels when you get a phone call or a letter addressed so formally. They are immediately uninterested, even dismissive. Really how much effort would it have taken to make that email more personal? That manager could have caught their attention right away and given the impression he is watching them and knows not only their value to the company but their potential to increase their productivity beyond what anyone thought possible.

 I can’t imagine it would take that much effort to do this right. Just have someone add a field which includes nicknames. Or have an assistant call each office and find out the names to use. It’s not hard. They just have to recognize the value. By not addressing employees by the moniker they respond to, they quite literally may have nullified the whole message.

Motivation. Encouragement. Inspiration. Drive. How do they expect to illicit this from employees if they can’t even get their names right?

Aren’t moms supposed to be on top of things, have everything under control, never appear frazzled, but always composed? After all, the children are depending on them. I don’t typically hold much back and wouldn’t think twice about saying I was feeling sad or admitting to struggling with something. But I have worried whether that made my daughter feel less secure in her world. 

Once when I brought home a friend of my daughter who had spent the night, I sheepishly confessed to her parents, “I kinda yelled at your daughter. She pissed me off. But I apologized to her.” The dad just laughed and said, “but that’s why we love you, you’re so real.” I can’t tell you how relieved I was ’cause I did feel badly about it and I’ll never forget his response. Thank you George. There’s a reason those folks remain my good friends. 

After years of feeling a bit guilty about this trait of mine and thinking a mother should be calm, cool and collected, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no right or wrong. I am who I am. I know better than to play poker.  What’s interesting is that my daughter would be very good at it. She is far less emotional than I which has it’s own drawbacks as she’s discovered. I guess having a mom who cries at Hallmark commercials probably sent her in the other direction! 

Oh well. I can’t worry about it anymore. I never been much good at doing what was “expected”. I’d much rather just be who I am. What’s real about you?