My clients in sales, who rely on commissions, are particularly reluctant to go away. They worry about money, about missing deals, about losing momentum, and about not being there for their clients. They feel major guilt.

Guilt: A fairly useless emotion which can lead to bad decisions and an inability to enjoy life. Or vacations.

As I told one of them this morning……..in no uncertain terms (big surprise)…… No, you should not bring your laptop to the beach. No you should not be making calls or setting appointments while away. He asked, “Can I say on my voice mail that I’ll be checking messages while out of the office?” NO!

No, No, No. Just get away. You are not that important. People will deal with it.

Leave this info on your voice mail; Specific to your clients and industry of course.

•  I will be unavailable for the week and NOT checking messages.
• If you need immediate assistance, please hit zero.
• Remember, if you need information or want to make simple changes, you can access your account through my web site.
• I will be back in the office on (provide date) and will return your call then.

Make sure to set some appointments for the week you return. Having potential business to look forward to will help you relax while you’re away and having meetings on your calendar for the week you return will help you shift back into work mode. 

Don’t forget to put up an auto responder message for email. One client neglected to do this last year and ended up working on his vacation because of it! Cover your bases so you can relax. Don’t bring your phone everywhere with you on vacation. And if you have a Blackberry or iPhone, resist the urge to read every correspondence.

RELAX. DISENGAGE. LET PEOPLE MISS YOU.

You are that important; To yourself.

Plan some time to be unavailable. Just not when I need you, k?

This woman wrote in about her daughter who has had “behavioral and psychological issues her whole life”. Her daughter, now 40 and a mother herself, has been “drinking, doing drugs, becoming unemployed and spending too much money.” The police have been to their house for domestic voilence issues and this woman’s 9 year old grandson is subjected to all this.

The mother writes, “I finally blew my stack and told my daughter how I felt about her behavior. Now she won’t allow me or anyone in my family to see my grandson”.

 Since there is no going back and it is not helpful at this point to tell the woman how she might have handled it differently, “Annie’s” advice, understandably, was on what to do now.

In the interest of getting better results, I’d like to go back to a point before which she “blew her stack”.

Not saying this would definitely work as her daughter is clearly volatile but the only way to approach a situation like that is with love, not anger. It may be your only hope of getting through. That is the ultimate goal right?  To change the situation for the better and get her daughter some help?

Things to remember or presume to know:

• Her daughter is not happy
• She loves her son
• She needs help not condemnation
• She needs to know her family will stand by her while she gets the help she needs.
• She needs love, encouragement, support and belief in her ability to change things

Those of you with kids will understand this……the moments when you least want to hug them and would much rather slap them in the head, are precisely the  moments they are most in need of a hug. 

The loving conversation is the hug. Please…..

•  have this talk before you “blow your stack”
• the ultimate goal is to help not hurt, keep this in mind
• think carefully before you address these kinds of situations with anyone
• plan what you can say that will be most effective in getting through
• think about their possible reactions and your responses
• ask yourself how you can keep your emotions under control

I truly believe this mother, with a different approach,  could have gotten a better outcome. Or at least a better chance at one. Preparing to to deal with this kind of thing is an ideal time to get some coaching.

Have you ever blown it and wished you handled it differently?

The father of a  close friend passed away last month. Services were planned for mid-week and since they live five hours away, my friend did not expect me to make the trip. She flat out told me not to come. She had a lot of family around her and she would have been alright but I just knew in my gut that being with her was the right thing.

I made the trip and stayed at her house even though I had family in the area. I told her not to bother cleaning the guest room or making food as I didn’t want to add to her burden. We went to calling hours Wed, the funeral service on Thursday and back to her mom’s house afterward for food. Her husband and daughter, brothers and sister were there as well as lots of cousins. I could easily have used her insistence that she didn’t need me as justification for staying home but she and I are close and I wanted to be there. 

The bottom line is that she had not realized how much it would comfort her to have me there. I just received a note from her saying exactly that. It meant so much to her hat I made the trip to be there with her at that really sad time. She appreciated the company, moral support (even to the extent of consulting me on her clothes!) and the fact that I was such an easy guest.

The saying goes, “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.” but sometimes you don’t know what you need til it’s there.  Know what I mean?

I am proud to be a Vermonter. I believe in love. I believe in tolerance. I believe in acceptance. I believe in appreciating our differences. I believe in equal rights. I believe in treating others as I would have them treat me. I believe in change. I believe in the power of the people.

I truly do not understand another opponents’ position.

What is so threatening about gay couples having the right to marry?

What makes gays undeserving of the same rights you enjoy?

What effect will their right to marry have on you personally?

What evidence do you have that children will be harmed by being raised with two parents of the same sex?

What if your own child was gay? Would you support a prejudiced world then?

What values do you want to instill in your children?

How would this world be different if we practiced tolerance and acceptance of others no matter their differences or beliefs?

What would acceptance feel like?

Will you try it?

I suggested he make a nice dinner for her (it’s Saturday and she was at work). He explained that at their house, all they eat is “welfare food”. Processed, pre-packaged, chemical ridden junk. If you can call that food. His initial reaction to my idea of a really nice meal was that it would cost too much.  I figured that given their usual diet, a nice dinner could score him even more points.

“It doesn’t have to be expensive. Macaroni costs pennies”, I said. “Make a nice plate of pasta. You can get a bag of raw, frozen shrimp for $7.99 and cook them yourself in a little olive oil and garlic, add a green veggie like asparagus or baby spinach for color. It will be beautiful and delicious and really nice.”

Damon was still a bit dubious and not sure this was worth the effort. “You’re not thinking about this right”, I told him. “You may actually get laid tonight, but do it my way and you’ll be having sex all week!” Or for as long as she is still remembering what you did for her. He looks at Jim and says, “She really gets the big picture here, doesn’t she?”

He was starting to get excited about the idea.  Jim suggested Penne but I nixed that. Penne is what kids order in a restaurant and it looks liked baked ziti. “Go for something more elegant like angel hair”, I said. “Ooooh, I like angel hair”, he said, “I’ll do that.” He questioned whether he had to buy a head of garlic, “YES”, I said.

I gave him a few quick cooking tips like mince the garlic fine, add it at the end so it doesn’t burn, cook the shrimp in a little bit of olive oil just til it turns pink and firm and don’t let it sit and get mushy. Add some tiny spinach greens ’cause they won’t add much flavor but will make for a more colorful meal. Drizzle some olive oil on the pasta, and splurge on a tiny hunk of parmesan or romano cheese to grate on top. “Don’t you DARE put cheese from a green can on this dinner!”

NOW he was getting really psyched! “Mmmmmmmmm, he said, “I’m getting hungry just thinking about it”. People do get jazzed when they hear me talk about food! Okay, add some candles, use a table cloth, even if you have to substitute a bed sheet, and a single flower in a little glass would be a nice touch. And don’t forget some good music; stuff she likes. It will be beautiful and she’ll really appreciate the effort and feel cared for and hopefully amorous.

Damon was on a mission. He said, “This is great, I’m goin’ to the store right now.”

I don’t know how the evening turned out (yet) but I do know that Damon was focusing on what he couldn’t do and not seeing what was possible. It was very touching to see him brighten at the prospect of doing something special for his wife in honor of their anniversary. As Mother Teresa said, “We cannot do great things on this earth, we can only do small things with great love.” Sometimes, while we are waiting for great things, we miss the opportunity to do the little ones.

If you weren’t feeling bad about great things that are not possible, what could you come up with?

Okay, who’s thinking right now what a selfish, irresponsible parent I am? Bite your tongue! I am betting that if you haven’t taken a vacation without your kids, you have at least fantasized about the idea. If you haven’t even considered it, please read on for some justification, practical reasoning and encouragement.

I know you love your kids and you probably feel obligated to take family vacations or at least do family activities with them a lot. Maybe you have even convinced yourself you enjoy these family getaways. You may even be able to persuade me that sometimes they can be fun, but no matter what their age, even the most charming, well-behaved, kids are still needy. Let’s face it,  with kids around, there is always commotion.

Maybe you enjoy commotion. Or maybe you tell yourself you do. I do not. A vacation to me is a rest. I wanted nothing but the beach, cocktails, naps, good food, naps, great sex, naps. Nowhere in my imagination does my perfect getaway include children. Sorry kids. That’s reality. You are a pain in the butt.

When you think about the stresses in your life, what specifically do you need a break from? For me, the kids are a part of that answer. I don’t want to hear bickering, or even talking. I don’t want to be asked for rides, money, friends over, solutions to problems with techno gadgets, dinner or to play a game. I don’t want to evaluate a single request! I don’t want to “take care” of anyone but me and my sweetie. I want to be selfish for a few days.

on the beach at sunset

This does presume of course that you have a relatively good relationship with your “other half” and that you enjoy spending time with him or her. On our trip (five short but glorious days) we agreed not to talk about kids, money, business or even our relationship. We consciously pushed these thoughts from our minds and just enjoyed being together in tranquility. If you are a single parent, this can be just as rejuvenating alone.

It is vital to nurture your relationship with yourself and as a couple from time to time. You deserve a getaway. You’ve earned it. You are not obligated to include your kids. By going away without them you will be setting a good example for them in their own future relationships. Perhaps you will all gain a fresh perspective or some new respect. Do it cheap, stay with family (assuming they don’t cause you stress) make arrangements for the kids, find a way. Even if it’s just for a long weekend.

A strong, united and loving front will help at home. And it never hurts to take the kids down a peg and remind them the world does not revolve around them. I called my daughter from the beach and got her voice mail. In the message I said, “I love you and I miss you”. Then I caught myself in that “miss you” lie and said, “actually I don’t miss you at all. I love you very much but I don’t miss you. I know you are having a great time and I am having a great time too. See you soon!”

Hopefully, when you return you will be a more relaxed parent and your kids will have experienced some valuable independence!

Ready to go?

Even this week as I sit down at my desk with a renewed commitment to this blog and to my business; a hot pink list of priorities in front of me reminding me that I AM the top five, I see that my daily agenda contradicts my aim. Three of the top four “to dos” are in the interest of others. I can’t stand it! Even armed with new resolve, it is hard to avoid getting sucked back in. As I have tried to explain to my daughter who has undoubtedly inherited my tendencies to drop everything for folks in need, this is an admirable trait until it it begins to jeapordize your own health and/or well-being. At that point, which I hope you can learn to recognize, you would be well advised to take a step back. I am trying to do that now.

Ultimately, I do think the hot pink sheet with my name all over it will be an effective reminder to focus on MY goals. I am a visual person so this method should serve to pull me back. At least for a month or so after which it will begin to melt into the landscape of my mess, ceasing to be visible at all and requiring me to devise a new reminder of a different color, shape, etc. and to regroup once again from my continual attentiveness to the problems and needs of the people around me at the expense of my own.

I will resist the urge (for now anyway) to talk about the huge and perpetual dilemma for me and probably many women; that we can’t devote the time and energy we would ideally like to one thing without compromising another. The amount of time we devote to our families can make our careers suffer. Likewise the time required for a business will cheat our families. Maybe I simply haven’t found right the balance. Maybe that’s impossible. Another blog, another day. When I have lots of time. And can invite lots of comments.

What I can talk about today is my intention to focus more on me, the things I want to accomplish, and my little strategies for staying on track. So, though I don’t usually make a traditional New Year’s resolution, I am declaring my intention to you in the hope that this too will help keep me focused on what I want. Sounds selfish already but too bad. This blog is important to me and I would like to make the time to post an entry………….. minimum, three times a week. Think I can do it?

I’m curious, where have you been? And what do you intend to do about it?

I know there are times when your kid(s) really impress you. Maybe they showed compassion for others or worked really hard on something, or had a brilliant idea. Doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe they handled a transition of some sort with ease or acceptance or grit. Think about your child. What really great and unique qualities do they have that make them special? What are their strengths? What traits do they have that you admire? I know you love them, but what do you LIKE about them as little people? What is really cool about your son or daughter?

Tell them. Write them a love letter. Make sure you’re in love when you do it. It’s got to be sincere. The key is to write it when you feel it. And before they break something or piss you off cause they probably will tomorrow. Do it now. Do it with truth and do it with emotion. Don’t worry about your writing skills. Just say what you really love about them as a person. Don’t be too sappy or sicky sweet. Talk to them like you would a friend you respect.

Be specific. Site things you’ve observed, situations they’ve handled well, positive actions they’ve taken, good decisions they’ve made. If you have to think too hard to come up with these things, it’s not the right time. Wait til it’s right there in your mind, then just write to them. One page is enough. Hell, one paragraph is enough if that’s all you can manage. You can’t even imagine how great the impact can be on your child.

The first time I wrote one to my daughter I think she was around ten years old. I wrote the letter on Christmas eve and left it for her to find on Christmas morning. This has no significance really. It just happened to be the time I felt compelled to put down in words, my pride and joy in my daughter and to share that with her. She didn’t say much more than “Thanks mom.” but she tacked the letter up on the bulletin board in her bedroom.

A few days later, over the school break, she wanted to get together with a friend and invited one over to our house for the day. When I found out the kids planned to hang out at the friends rather than our house, I felt sad. This friend had a large screen tv, hot tub, ice rink in the back yard, all kinds of electronic games, etc. Certainly more potential for fun than at our house. My daughter could see I was disappointed and she asked what was up. I made some comment about not having her friends at our house because it was lacking all these “toys”. Her response? She pointed to the love letter on her bulletin board and said, “But mom, Paige doesn’t have one of those.” Makes me cry just thinking about it.

Most of us have positive thoughts and feelings about our kids all the time but we often focus more on correcting their behavior, telling them to clean their room or work harder in school, etc. We may “brag” to a friend about our children’ accomplishments or special abilities but how often do we voice this pride and confidence in their abilities to the kids themselves?

Who would be thrilled beyond belief to get a love letter from you?

I’ve come to recognize that my own parents have a rare relationship. Just about everything they say or do is with the other’s well-being in mind. What was her day like? What would she like to find when she gets home? What does he need tonight? What would he like to do this weekend? They ask, or intuitively know, how the other is feeling and their actions are based on that rather than on their own needs.

If you happened to walk in on one of them doing laundry or another household chore, they would most likely say, “Let me just finish this up so your mother (or father) doesn’t have to deal with it.” Not because they themselves were in need of clean clothes, but just so their spouse didn’t have to do it when he or she got home. Quite the opposite of many couples I see today who argue over whether the division of chores is equal or fair.

I am especially reminded of this now because my parents’ 50th college reunion was last weekend. They had planned to go together but as it turned out my dad was in ill health and could not attend. Since he was being well cared for and he encouraged my mom to go on her own, she did. While at the reunion she bought cards at the bookstore and brought them with her to breakfast each morning, getting everybody who knew my dad to sign them. When she returned, she brought him four greeting cards FULL of notes and well wishes from many old friends. He was thrilled!

It’s the little things.

One time my daughter and I were heading to Maine with my mom for some weekend event and my dad was staying home. The weekend fell on not only my mom’s birthday but my parent’s anniversary as well. As we were saying goodbye to him in the driveway he gave my mother a cassette to be played in the car on those two special days. He had recorded himself singing happy birthday to her and reading love poems. Then mom told dad there was an envelope for him in each of his four dresser drawers and he was to open one for each day she was away. It was so sweet you would have cried, or gagged, depending on your romance meter.

This thoughtfulness and caring is what I grew up with and witnessed every day. My dad was a big Leo Buscaglia fan and I remember his books on LOVE always being around our house. And not on the shelf either, but easily accessible on the coffee table. If you aren’t familiar with Leo’s philosophy or his work, you can find out more at www.buscaglia.com. Check it out.

It’s only lately that I realize how lucky I am. Naively, I had taken for granted the loving, believing everybody possessed this level of thoughtfulness and caring. Sadly this is very often not the case. And now I find that people who want to learn how to be more thoughtful, selfless and giving in their relationships will hire me to help them.

I have the ability to do so mostly because I’ve been incredibly lucky. Lucky to have been raised by parents who are still in love after 40 some-odd years. Lucky to have grown up in a home of givers where love was shown in umpteen little ways every day. Lucky to work with people who want to do better so they can show their own kids, by example, how to love.

I’m wondering, with regard to your partner or spouse, what’s your score on giving? Give it some honest consideration.

What would you like it to be?