This morning, I stopped at a business where I do some consulting to speak briefly to Amy, an assistant in the sales office. From what I’ve seen she knows her stuff and is a very hard worker. I was there for no more than five minutes to run something by her. While we were checking the schedule on her computer, one of the guys she works for came in and handed her some documents.

I know this guy. I’ve seen him around the office and at company events and he’s usually fairly friendly. Today he ignored me completely. No smile, no how’s it goin’, nothin. Like I wasn’t even there. After he left I raised my hand in a wave and said facetiously to Amy, “Hi Nick.” She scowled and said, “Yeah, right. He’s pissed because I’m on his time right now and he saw me at the computer with you.” She went on to tell me that if she wastes even ten minutes, she has to make it up at the end of the day.

I was pretty shocked by this guy’s shortsighted and  childish behavior. Not to mention he was rude. Seriously?? Is this 1900? I cannot believe that a supposed professional today does not know enough to treat their employees with respect and dignity.  

He’s well on his way to losing a good employee. The 7 stupid steps to losing a good employee? 

1. View them solely for what they can do for you.
2. Believe them to be incapable, stupid and unreliable.
3. Expect that they are cheating you out of time and/or money.
4. Never praise, compliment or thank them.
5. Never ask about their families or other interests.
6. Treat them as if they are 10 years old.
7. Be a prick and never apologize for it.

It’s just plain stupid. So stupid that I don’t even want to take the time to enumerate the reasons why. Truly, this falls into the category of “I CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THIS!” 

So let me ask a better question. What do you WANT your employees to say when asked what kind of boss you are?

What can you do to make sure that’s how they feel?

Let’s take this a step further. In your business, do you send Christmas cards and birthday cards to all your clients?  Or even to your clients’ children? I remember every single year when I was a kid I received a birthday card from my parents’ insurance agent. I had never met the guy and wouldn’t know him on the street. I thought this was stupid then and I still do.

There are people in this industry and maybe in others too, who still follow this old tradition and send, or probably have their assistant send, birthday and holiday cards to all their clients. I truly think this is largely ineffective and a waste of time.

Don’t get me wrong, a hand written card or note is classy. I love sending them and people appreciate it. There are times this is the perfect approach. And it is very different from simply signing your name on a card you didn’t choose with the recipient in mind and sending hundreds of them to everyone on a mailing list from your database. That is cold, impersonal and pretty meaningless and I have a very hard time believing it works.  

How much nicer is it to pick up the phone and give it the personal touch? Most people are just tickled to say hello and hear a sincere happy birthday wish from someone who isn’t related to them! It makes people feel special. Ask them how they plan to celebrate. With some clients, I even sing happy birthday!

For those with the difficult task of having to make sales calls all the time, these are happy calls; easy calls.  This method not only makes your clients smile and feel they matter, it gives you the opportunity for a conversation. A conversation which may reveal they want to meet with you. Or that they need your help with something. Things a card cannot do.

This is a much more personal connection to make. It saves trees and postage.

Want to try it? Who’s got a birthday tomorrow?

When you go about your business without communicating with the people around you, whether it’s your boss, co-workers or family, what are some of the assumptions they might make about you?

• you don’t care
• you are selfish and thoughtless
• you are not dependable
• maybe even that you are incompetent

These assumptions are often wrong and will give you a bad rap. But if you aren’t saying anything to the contrary or providing information  about the thoughts and motivation behind your actions, people will think what they will and you may not like what that is.

I once had a situation where the director of another department would email me requests for specific information. She always cc’d my boss. It irritated the hell out of me and made me feel like I was in kindergarten. Further, I couldn’t understand why she did it because I always followed through with whatever she needed in a timely way. I decided instead of being pissy and letting it bug me I should ask her about it. I went to her office and said, “In the interest of better working relationships, can we talk for a minute?” I explained how I felt about her cc’ing my boss on all her requests to me and asked her why she did that since I thought I had been very responsive to her. She said she had no problem whatsoever with my compliance. The only reason she was cc’ing my boss was because when she had starting giving me tasks, he got pissed that she hadn’t gone through him since I was his employee. Made perfect sense and had nothing to do with me. Annoyance gone. We were good. And if I hadn’t asked?

Communication promotes understanding and better working relationships. That’s the bottom line.

Lack of communication leads to assumptions, misunderstandings and erroneous conclusions about your character and intentions. Do you really want that?

Trust is earned. You mean you have a relationship with a friend or lover and you don’t trust this person? How long does it take for he or she to earn your trust? What if it’s years? What is the quality of your relationship with them in the meantime? This is a bit hard for me to imagine.

I suppose one’s early childhood experiences probably set the tone for an individual’s ability to trust others. But I wonder about it ’cause I approach people differently. I assume a person is trustworthy unless or until they prove otherwise. Yeah, I’ve been burned. Not often. I got over it. It has not dampened my belief that people are good and worthy of my trust. And I hope if someone does break my trust, they will have some remorse, recognize what it cost them and perhaps behave differently in the future. I’m a forgiving sort.

I think the “presumed innocent”  approach works really well in parenting children. Believe they are capable. Believe they are strong. Believe they are trustworthy. This will allow them to strive to be all these things.

If instead you assume they can’t be trusted,  how will they ever learn?

I am proud to be a Vermonter. I believe in love. I believe in tolerance. I believe in acceptance. I believe in appreciating our differences. I believe in equal rights. I believe in treating others as I would have them treat me. I believe in change. I believe in the power of the people.

I truly do not understand another opponents’ position.

What is so threatening about gay couples having the right to marry?

What makes gays undeserving of the same rights you enjoy?

What effect will their right to marry have on you personally?

What evidence do you have that children will be harmed by being raised with two parents of the same sex?

What if your own child was gay? Would you support a prejudiced world then?

What values do you want to instill in your children?

How would this world be different if we practiced tolerance and acceptance of others no matter their differences or beliefs?

What would acceptance feel like?

Will you try it?

Somehow, many people believe that if they didn’t intentionally set out to hurt another person, then they did nothing wrong. I disagree. Ever heard the word “negligence“? It’s definition is “a failure to take proper care in doing something”, resulting in damage or injury to another.

We usually hear the term negligence used in lawsuits or court cases involving bodily injury or death. Those are worst case scenarios. And even though we often hurt only the feelings of another person, this is still negligence. Taking action with complete disregard for how that action will affect others is negligence. No matter how you qualify the resulting damage.

Next time you are faced with a decision, really think it through. Refer to my post http://www.whatwouldlisasay.com/blog/?p=29 to understand the difference between thinking about it and thinking it through. Consider not only what is right for you but how your decision will effect other people. What pleases one person may have negative ramifications for someone else. When you “take proper care” with the feelings of others, you will be really pleased to find yourself causing a lot less hurt.

And if you’re not sure of what to do, try asking the folks involved for their input. What you think might upset someone, may in fact be no problem at all. By asking them how they feel and inviting their input, you will show them you are considering their feelings. This will go a long way, especially if your final decision is not something they are thrilled with.

But I wasn’t trying to hurt you” a friend or loved one might say. And that is probably true. But what if they had taken reasonable care before-hand to ensure they would NOT hurt you?

Some just don’t know any better. Some are probably afraid the person they are calling will say that yes, they are busy, thereby avoiding the call. But most people probably just get caught up in their own emotions and don’t stop to consider that it might be a bad time for whomever they’re calling.

We tend to eat late most evenings. Often people will call around 8:30 or so and just start talking, never imagining I might be getting dinner at that hour. Other people call and launch into stories so long and involved I could be getting breakfast by the time they come up for air.

It’s hard to disengage yourself without sounding cold and selfish when talking to a friend or family member in need. And although it doesn’t feel very good sometimes, I do it when I have to. If you haven’t mastered this art of extrication yet yourself, I strongly urge you to try. If you don’t find a way (tactful or not) to get off the phone you will get sucked in every time. Your agenda will become theirs and before you know it you’ll have given your evening away.

Depending on the situation, you may be okay with that but you owe it to yourself to at least make a conscious choice. And if the caller does ask if you have time to talk, don’t just say yes, tell them how much time you have. And if you have to say no, it’s not a good time, it will soften the blow if you suggest an alternate time when you are available. Unless of course you just really don’t want to hear it!

If you are the caller, it is usually in your best interest to ask whether it’s a good time to talk. Why would you want to share your exciting news or get help with a problem when you don’t have the listener’s full attention? And it’s even worse when you just get started talking only to have the person to whom you are “spilling” cut you off saying they “can’t talk now”.

One more thing to keep in mind……….Is the conversation lopsided? All about you? Make sure you are not calling people only when you need them. Give a call sometimes just to say hi, and ask about them. Let’s have some civility on both sides please.

Did you see yourself in anything written here? 

Apologize to them. Have you? Do you?

Some parents have the attitude that being the adult, in the position of authority, with many more years of experience and wisdom on their side, exempts them from ever being wrong when it comes to kids. They seem to think that apologizing to a child, somehow belittles them. Other people are just incapable of saying they are sorry to anyone, even when they know their actions were wrong. Still others can’t even admit to themsleves (much less another) when they have hurt someone or done something they shouldn’t have done.   

 The best way to teach a child the power of an apology is to put them on the receiving end of a sincere one. Need help? Check out www.perfectapology.com. This site is a great resource for understanding and crafting, what else, the perfect apology. Next time you do or say something you regret to your child,  make sure they know how badly you feel about it. Say you’re sorry. 

What’s your personal score on this one?  

When you are talking with someone, on the phone or especially in person, IT IS RUDE to take a call from someone else.

 How many times in the last month have you been talking with someone and were asked to hold while the person took another call? How did you feel? Like your dialogue was uninteresting? Like the other party was more important than you? How long were you kept waiting? I had one person say to me when we were “beeped” in on, “ I don’t know who this is. Hang on”. I was less important than a stranger!

Many people are simply incapable of ignoring a ringing phone.  In the company of another, this can be very rude. During work, it can hurt their own productivity. A few reasons to ignore a ringing phone:

• Your agenda remains the priority. Why let the needs of a random caller interupt your work flow? 
• Hopefully the caller will leave a detailed voice mail, allowing you to get answers or take action before calling them back  thereby having one efficient call instead of two possibly more lengthy ones.
• Maybe the caller will bother someone else! If you are always available, why would they?
• Voice mail exists for a good reason.

Of course there are circumstances (a call from the doctor or from the school regarding your child) in which it is fine to take an incoming call when you are “with” someone. But do use good judgement as to whether it warrants the interruption. If you truly need to answer the call, they key is to do it with grace and thoughtfulness.  

• If you are expecting an important call, say so ahead of time and explain that is the only call you will take.
• Be brief. If you must take the call, explain to the caller that you are with someone, then make the conversation as brief as possible.
• Don’t leave people on hold! If it’s going to be more than a few seconds, arrange to call back later.
• When you’ve finished the call, apologize for the interuption.
• Quickly resume the conversation you were having before the interuption.

This is polite. It makes people feel good. Like you care. Like you are really listening to what they have to say. If this is not true, fake it or disengage graciously.

Answering every call has become a norm with many young people. Just because it is accepted behavior within their circles, does not not mean it is a generally accepted practice. It’s not and I hope it never is. And the danger is that it becomes such a habit for them that they answer the phone anytime, anywhere without question. This is sure to leave a bad impression or offend.

 I will bet sombeody out there could make a pretty good argument for answering every call, especially in certain types of businesses. But as a friend of mine says, ” You’re just not that important!”

I’d love to know. What are your thoughts on this phone thing?

Take a quick look. When I scan the list, I see many things that come easily to me with my child like sending a love letter, asking their opinion, or apologizing if I’ve done something wrong. I see others like building things together that I need to be reminded of or make a little more effort with. All of them are worth doing for your child.

Now, peruse the list again with the image of your stepchildren in mind. Can you imagine yourself doing these same things for your step-child? How would you feel about it? Will you “show that you are excited to see them” with the same enthusiasm you have for your own child? Are you just as willing? Would it feel awkward?

Our partner’s/spouse’s kids are just as deserving of our shows of caring, but it may feel like a harder thing to do. And often it is. But it’s worth it. They are worth it. The list itself may require a little tweaking with stepchildren in mind but it is equally important (if not more) that we show our caring for them in similar ways. They too are children. Isn’t it our responsibility as adults in their life to show them caring, support, and encouragement every day just as we do for our own children?

Among the stresses and strains of daily life, it’s a big accomplishment to show our kids we care every day, day after day. It’s an even bigger one to show caring for kids who are not your own. Believe me, they know we don’t have to, which makes these acts even more meaningful. It can sometimes take a very big, conscious effort to do this. They deserve it and so do you.

How will you show a child you care today?