There was a piece in Annie’s mailbox yesterday on a troubled family relationship. Since I’m in the advice biz I’m always curious about what others have to say. Sometimes I disagree with their response and it’s great fodder for my blog. I also think they tend toward the passive and polite which is okay sometimes but  that approach is unlikely to effect change going forward.

This woman wrote in about her daughter who has had “behavioral and psychological issues her whole life”. Her daughter, now 40 and a mother herself, has been “drinking, doing drugs, becoming unemployed and spending too much money.” The police have been to their house for domestic voilence issues and this woman’s 9 year old grandson is subjected to all this.

The mother writes, “I finally blew my stack and told my daughter how I felt about her behavior. Now she won’t allow me or anyone in my family to see my grandson”.

 Since there is no going back and it is not helpful at this point to tell the woman how she might have handled it differently, “Annie’s” advice, understandably, was on what to do now.

In the interest of getting better results, I’d like to go back to a point before which she “blew her stack”.

Not saying this would definitely work as her daughter is clearly volatile but the only way to approach a situation like that is with love, not anger. It may be your only hope of getting through. That is the ultimate goal right?  To change the situation for the better and get her daughter some help?

Things to remember or presume to know:

• Her daughter is not happy
• She loves her son
• She needs help not condemnation
• She needs to know her family will stand by her while she gets the help she needs.
• She needs love, encouragement, support and belief in her ability to change things

Those of you with kids will understand this……the moments when you least want to hug them and would much rather slap them in the head, are precisely the  moments they are most in need of a hug. 

The loving conversation is the hug. Please…..

•  have this talk before you “blow your stack”
• the ultimate goal is to help not hurt, keep this in mind
• think carefully before you address these kinds of situations with anyone
• plan what you can say that will be most effective in getting through
• think about their possible reactions and your responses
• ask yourself how you can keep your emotions under control

I truly believe this mother, with a different approach,  could have gotten a better outcome. Or at least a better chance at one. Preparing to to deal with this kind of thing is an ideal time to get some coaching.

Have you ever blown it and wished you handled it differently?

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