I watched this unfold with a friend of mine last week. Her 12 year old son, taking steps toward independence sees an opportunity. His mom is sick, it’s a school day, and he wants her to be able to stay in bed so he tells her he will set his own alarm, get his own breakfast, pack his lunch and make the bus without her help. His mom is skeptical. She has her doubts that her son will even get himself out of bed much less watch the clock and catch the bus on time but she feels like crap and agrees to sleep in.

The morning goes off without a hitch and mom is really surprised. And impressed. She can’t believe he did it without her help. She kept saying this to me all morning, incredulously.

“Here’s the thing”, I told her. “You did a good thing staying in bed and letting him try this on his own. He succeeded. Now the trick is to strike the right balance with your praise. Give him just enough to feel proud of his accomplishment. Don’t go over the top or you’ll be setting set the bar too low.” 

• Don’t let on that you had serious doubts about his ability to pull this off.
• Do follow up with him, ask how it went and how he felt. Do it casually.
• Do tell him you appreciate his thoughtfulness and that he should be proud of himself.
• Don’t lavish too much praise on him. You will unwittingly be setting the expectation too low.

A lot of parents and teachers these days seem to fall all over kids for accomplishing pretty simple things. Yes, we should notice and we should comment in a positive way.  Briefly, without fanfare. Anything more than that is tipping the balance toward doing them a disservice. Let them stretch.

This holds true for employees as well. Set the expectation high and most people will reach it. If you set it too low, what incentive do they have to work hard and achieve more?

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