In many relationships today, people focus on what they can get GET from the other person, instead of what they can GIVE. No wonder so many people have failed relationships.

I’ve come to recognize that my own parents have a rare relationship. Just about everything they say or do is with the other’s well-being in mind. What was her day like? What would she like to find when she gets home? What does he need tonight? What would he like to do this weekend? They ask, or intuitively know, how the other is feeling and their actions are based on that rather than on their own needs.

If you happened to walk in on one of them doing laundry or another household chore, they would most likely say, “Let me just finish this up so your mother (or father) doesn’t have to deal with it.” Not because they themselves were in need of clean clothes, but just so their spouse didn’t have to do it when he or she got home. Quite the opposite of many couples I see today who argue over whether the division of chores is equal or fair.

I am especially reminded of this now because my parents’ 50th college reunion was last weekend. They had planned to go together but as it turned out my dad was in ill health and could not attend. Since he was being well cared for and he encouraged my mom to go on her own, she did. While at the reunion she bought cards at the bookstore and brought them with her to breakfast each morning, getting everybody who knew my dad to sign them. When she returned, she brought him four greeting cards FULL of notes and well wishes from many old friends. He was thrilled!

It’s the little things.

One time my daughter and I were heading to Maine with my mom for some weekend event and my dad was staying home. The weekend fell on not only my mom’s birthday but my parent’s anniversary as well. As we were saying goodbye to him in the driveway he gave my mother a cassette to be played in the car on those two special days. He had recorded himself singing happy birthday to her and reading love poems. Then mom told dad there was an envelope for him in each of his four dresser drawers and he was to open one for each day she was away. It was so sweet you would have cried, or gagged, depending on your romance meter.

This thoughtfulness and caring is what I grew up with and witnessed every day. My dad was a big Leo Buscaglia fan and I remember his books on LOVE always being around our house. And not on the shelf either, but easily accessible on the coffee table. If you aren’t familiar with Leo’s philosophy or his work, you can find out more at www.buscaglia.com. Check it out.

It’s only lately that I realize how lucky I am. Naively, I had taken for granted the loving, believing everybody possessed this level of thoughtfulness and caring. Sadly this is very often not the case. And now I find that people who want to learn how to be more thoughtful, selfless and giving in their relationships will hire me to help them.

I have the ability to do so mostly because I’ve been incredibly lucky. Lucky to have been raised by parents who are still in love after 40 some-odd years. Lucky to have grown up in a home of givers where love was shown in umpteen little ways every day. Lucky to work with people who want to do better so they can show their own kids, by example, how to love.

I’m wondering, with regard to your partner or spouse, what’s your score on giving? Give it some honest consideration.

What would you like it to be?

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