How good are you at saying no? I am pretty surprised at the number of people who struggle with this. Whether it’s yet another project at work or a friend in need, people just seem to have a hard time saying no. And if you can’t say no to that stuff, even when you really WANT to, my guess is you might be having trouble saying no to your children.

Saying no is one of the most important things to master when your kids are small. Yes, they will probably scream and cry their little hearts out when you tell them no and you will feel horrible about it but you must not cave. Get all the experience you can telling them no when they’re small. Give them good reasons and help them learn to accept it. SAY NO AND MEAN IT. Do not say no six times in a row and then say, “oh, alright” out of frustration or to stop them from bugging you. You’ll be done. For good.

I overheard some woman the other day saying her daughter howls with objection whenever her father tries to put her to bed instead of her mother. She said they always give in and let mom tuck her in.  Why in the world would they do this? They are literally TEACHING THEIR DAUGHTER THAT IF SHE SCREAMS AND CRIES SHE WILL GET HER WAY. If they’re not brave enough to start saying no, here’s what they’re likely to get.

• A child who has learned her tantrums are effective. 
• A child who can’t rely on her parents to know what’s best.
• A child who does not know how to handle disappointment.
• A child who believes her feelings are the only ones that matter.
• A child who also cannot say no.

Do they really want that? I am not suggesting they tell her, “Too bad kid, deal with it.” Although I’ve said that on occasion. But as parents we have a responsibility to know when and how to say no. It can even be a gift. There are plenty of ways to deal with this situation without giving in.  

• Don’t beg and plead with the child. This puts her in charge.
• Tell her very calmly that you see she is unhappy about this.
• Tell her you’ll talk about it with her as soon as she is calm. 
• Leave the room until she is quiet.
• Help her with some strategies if she has trouble calming herself.
• Get curious about why she feels only mom can tuck her in.
• Explain why sometimes Dad needs to do the tucking. 
• Get creative. Let Dad and daughter come up with some fun betime routines of their own so she looks forward to the time with him.
• Find a solution that everyone is happy with, not just the child. 

And of course you can give in sometimes, just make sure it is on your terms and not in response to a tantrum.

Don’t forget…. In saying no you are teaching your child it’s okay to say no. Even if someone gets mad they can still say no. Might be a handy skill for them to have when they are pressured for sex or offered drugs in a few years. Really, it’s the most basic thing. It determines who’s in charge. I hope it’s you. 

What are you tolerating that you’d really like to say no to?

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