People are fond of saying they “support” their kids. What exactly does that mean? Does it mean they defend them no matter what they do? That they attend all their school functions or athletic events? Maybe it’s quite literal and their 30 year old is bunking on their couch! As with most things, balance and perspective are needed. Here’s why.

I was  volunteering backstage at a middle school musical production when I overheard another parent talking about how she “supports” her daughter. Apparently the girl, who is twelve, was in a local production over the summer.  I guess the show had run for a couple of weeks ’cause she said there were twelve performances during this time.  And she was proud to say she went to EVERY one.  Of twelve performances.  Of the SAME show.  Night after night.

She further explained that she ran into some guy she knew at the theatre who thought this was nuts.  He couldn’t believe she would attend every single performance.  She was really offended by that and began defending her position saying it mattered to her daughter, her daughter needed her there, she wanted to support her and on and on. 

 Then she asked the guy if he went to all his son’s baseball games.  He replied that he did.  “Hmph”, she said. She rested her case on that? I wanted to say, ‘yes, but lady, they play a different team each time.  Over the course of a few months.  At different fields.  Each game is different.  How can you possibly compare going to every ball game to watching every performance of a show?’ She was determined to justify her support of her daughter.

“Support” means something different to all of us.  It seems to me this woman could have supported her daughter in another way by letting her get through a performance without her mommy.  She admitted the cast and crew were a great bunch of people.  Surely there must have been one or two she would trust who would be willing to watch out for her daughter, take her under their wing during the run of the show? After all she’s in middle school not preschool.

Admittedly, there may have been circumstances here that made this parent uncomfortable about leaving her daughter. I am reacting to what I heard and am not privy to all the facts. Maybe she didn’t see her child being secure or mature enough to handle this. (hint: start early building trust and independence with your child.) That being said, it is wise to examine your motives, try to be objective and see all possibilities before blindly standing by your kid.

Consider another way a parent might show support for their child.

What if this mom attended even a few less shows? After all, she does have another (younger) child at home. What if she had told her daughter, “You’re doing a wonderful job, you’re in a safe environment, you don’t need me at every show.”  Imagine the gift she could have given her daughter had she supported her independence? How grown up, capable and trusted would that kid feel?! Believe they are capable and they will too. 

What is your “support” doing for your kids?

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